Favoritism among siblings isn’t always easy to spot, but its effects can ripple through family relationships, leaving long-lasting marks on everyone involved. Whether it’s unintentional or a result of complicated dynamics, favoritism can create resentment, harm sibling bonds, and damage a child’s self-esteem. The problem can become even trickier to manage in blended families, where stepparents and stepchildren are navigating new relationships. However, favoritism is something that families can address and resolve with awareness, empathy, and consistent effort.
This guide takes a realistic and empathetic look at how favoritism manifests in families with biological and step-parental dynamics, its potential impacts, and practical ways for parents and caregivers to create a balanced and supportive environment for all children.
What Favoritism Looks Like
Favoritism doesn’t always mean obvious, blatant favoritism like showering one child with gifts while ignoring the other. It can manifest in subtle ways, too, such as:
- Praising one child more often than others
- Spending noticeably more time with one child
- Holding one child to a different standard (higher or lower)
- Automatically taking one child’s side in arguments
- Showing more interest in one child’s hobbies or achievements
Favoritism might even fluctuate depending on a situation. For example, a parent may favor the older child for their maturity and dependability but view the younger child as the “baby who can do no wrong.” Stepparents might unintentionally develop stronger bonds with their biological children, leaving stepchildren feeling excluded.
The key to addressing favoritism is not to ignore these patterns but to identify, understand, and work through them thoughtfully before they strain relationships.
The Impact of Favoritism
Favoritism, even if subtle or unintentional, can leave a significant emotional impact on the entire family.
On Sibling Relationships
Favoritism fosters competition and resentment between siblings. The “favored” child may feel guilty or pressured to maintain that status, while the “less favored” sibling may feel hurt, angry, or alienated. This wedge can strain sibling relationships, sometimes for years. For example, if one sibling regularly gets preferential treatment, the other might start avoiding family activities altogether, further widening the emotional distance.
On Individual Children
Children who feel neglected or less cherished compared to their sibling often experience self-esteem issues. They may believe the favoritism reflects their value as a person, which can lead to feelings of inadequacy. At the same time, the “favorite” child may feel a different kind of burden, struggling with the pressure to live up to expectations or feeling resentment if they sense favoritism is causing tension in the family.
It’s worth noting that favoritism isn’t just harmful in biological families—it can be amplified in blended families. Stepchildren may already feel like outsiders, and favoritism (intentional or accidental) can compound that feeling, making it harder for them to feel secure or included.
The effects can be long-lasting, potentially affecting children’s relationships with their parents and siblings as they grow into adulthood. That’s why stepping in early to address favoritism is so important.
Recognizing Favoritism in Parenting
The first step in solving any problem is recognizing it exists. Parents may not even realize they’re showing favoritism, so try to take a step back and objectively assess your behavior.
Ask yourself questions like:
- Do I spend more quality time with one child over the other(s)?
- Am I quicker to praise one child but criticize another?
- Are my expectations fair and consistent for all my children?
- When my children argue, do I reflexively take one side?
It can also help to ask for insight from someone you trust, like a partner, family member, or even a therapist. Sometimes an outside perspective can reveal patterns that parents are too close to see.
Blended families come with their distinct challenges. If you’re a stepparent, reflect on whether you’re unconsciously prioritizing your biological child over your stepchildren—this could range from how you plan outings to how you address disciplinary matters.
Parenting isn’t about judging ourselves harshly but about learning and evolving. The fact that you’re asking these questions shows you’re already on the right path.
Practical Steps to Address Favoritism
1. Be Mindful of Language
Children are incredibly attuned to their parents’ words. Statements like “Why can’t you be more like your sibling?” or “Your sister always does this right” can sting and cause feelings of inadequacy.
Instead, celebrate each child’s individuality. Acknowledge their strengths and achievements without comparing them. Example: “I’m so proud of how hard you worked on this project,” instead of, “This is better than what your brother did last week.”
2. Spend Intentional Quality Time
Favoritism often develops because parents naturally bond more with one child based on shared interests or similar temperaments. Counteract this by carving out one-on-one time with each child to nurture individual relationships.
For instance, if you always take one child to their soccer games, balance it by finding an activity the other enjoys, such as baking together or playing video games. With stepchildren, take an active interest in their lives and hobbies to show you’re equally invested in their happiness and success.
3. Level the Playing Field
Children notice disparities, whether it’s about how chores are divided, how punishments are handed out, or how praise is given. Strive for fairness in how you manage responsibilities, rewards, and discipline.
This doesn’t necessarily mean treating everyone the same—different children may have different needs—but you should aim for consistency in your values and approach to parenting. If your stepchild feels they’re being disciplined more heavily than their stepsibling, for example, they’ll likely perceive favoritism, even if that isn’t the intent.
4. Encourage Open Communication
Create a family environment where children feel safe expressing themselves. If a child says, “I feel like you pay more attention to my brother,” don’t dismiss it or be defensive. Validate their feelings and take it as an opportunity to reflect and adjust.
Parents in blended families should also proactively ask stepchildren how they’re feeling and whether there are ways to improve their relationship. Building trust takes time, but consistent efforts to open dialogue can make a big difference.
5. Model Strong Relationships
Favoritism often damages sibling dynamics, so show your children how to build each other up rather than bring each other down. Encourage teamwork over competition, like cooking dinner together or tackling a family project. Compliment their cooperative efforts whenever possible.
Similarly, stepparents can help foster connections between biological children and stepchildren by organizing inclusive family activities, where no child feels like they’re on the sidelines.
6. Apologize and Reassure When Necessary
If favoritism has already caused tension, it’s never too late to take responsibility. Apologize to your children if needed and explain how you’re committed to making changes.
A simple, heartfelt acknowledgment can help repair trust while showing kids it’s okay to admit mistakes and grow.
Moving Toward Balance
Addressing favoritism isn’t an overnight fix. It requires ongoing awareness, effort, and patience. There may be missteps along the way, but what matters most is progress. Children don’t need perfect parents—they need parents who are willing to listen, learn, and grow.
Favoritism can fracture families, but it doesn’t have to. Through self-reflection, intentional action, and open communication, parents can begin to repair any harm caused and foster a more balanced, supportive environment where all children feel equally valued and loved. Stepparents and biological parents alike have the power to make every child in the family feel like they matter—because they do.
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